I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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