It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
