someone threw a dead crab at me
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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