Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
