my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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