The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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