I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
