If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
