Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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