Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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