maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
