In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
