You're a womanizer and a bitch.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
