3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Found your dick twin last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
