This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Everclear isn't food dammit
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
