There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
