You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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