why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
