everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
