Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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