Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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