So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
