awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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