On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
