I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I believe in your delicious
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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