He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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