I think I won the penis lottery.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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