somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
