drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize