I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
