If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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