Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We are two peas in an std pod
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
