I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i would punch a child for taco bell
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
