Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
