The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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