There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
