suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize