He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
