The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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