so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
