I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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