Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize