I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
