Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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