dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The power of my boobs compel you
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
