I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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