I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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