Already got asked if we're dating
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Randomize
