I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
pray to the hookup gods
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
