Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Text me some of your sweat
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
