I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
