so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
