Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
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