Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
