i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
