My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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