He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
