Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
