He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
